who am i kidding?
Despite making an effort to be more grateful and thankful for all my blessings, I am still angry and annoyed and restless. And I don't really know why. I cannot put my finger on it. I don't like how I feel. The guilt consumes me. I should be so grateful for all that I have in my life. But I am not happy.
I hated that I was the first one in the ER the day my uncle passed away. I hated that the doctor explained it all to me before anyone else in my family. I hated that my aunt had no children of her own and was looking at me to save her. I hated that I heard her tell the story of his death to all my family members over and over again. I hate that this funeral is turning into a circus.
I am the boss at my work. My staff look to me for guidance but blame me if anything goes wrong. And now I wear a uniform, with the name badge that says Clinical Manager so people assume I am strong. I AM NOT.
How does the rest of the world go on when a woman just lost her husband? Don't they know that Tuesdays are laundry days and that he washes her clothes for her religiously on those days? Don't they know that the sushi place they frequented feels empty when it is revisited? Don't they know that the voice on the answering machine is of the love of her life and that he has passed away? Don't they know that it feels wrong to be driving the car because he was the one who drove her everywhere? Why does the sun keep shining when there is darkness everywhere?
Someone else needs to take over my life and take charge of it for a while. I don't want to think. I want to be led. I need guidance in a bad way. As I type this, I know the answer. I must trust that God is not giving me too much to handle. I need to trust in God again. I almost forgot how.
I hated that I was the first one in the ER the day my uncle passed away. I hated that the doctor explained it all to me before anyone else in my family. I hated that my aunt had no children of her own and was looking at me to save her. I hated that I heard her tell the story of his death to all my family members over and over again. I hate that this funeral is turning into a circus.
I am the boss at my work. My staff look to me for guidance but blame me if anything goes wrong. And now I wear a uniform, with the name badge that says Clinical Manager so people assume I am strong. I AM NOT.
How does the rest of the world go on when a woman just lost her husband? Don't they know that Tuesdays are laundry days and that he washes her clothes for her religiously on those days? Don't they know that the sushi place they frequented feels empty when it is revisited? Don't they know that the voice on the answering machine is of the love of her life and that he has passed away? Don't they know that it feels wrong to be driving the car because he was the one who drove her everywhere? Why does the sun keep shining when there is darkness everywhere?
Someone else needs to take over my life and take charge of it for a while. I don't want to think. I want to be led. I need guidance in a bad way. As I type this, I know the answer. I must trust that God is not giving me too much to handle. I need to trust in God again. I almost forgot how.
